1) SEEING FEAR AS A FRIEND
For many, fear is something to be avoided. We give fear a bad
name. I believe it is important to see fear differently and rather
than see it as something to be afraid of, is actually like a loyal
friend that is trying to guide us toward what we need to learn.
Imagine our friend, the guide standing next to a door and
beckoning us to enter a room that we are afraid of. We can go
away from that room and not come back for years and our
friend/guide will still be patiently waiting and directing us to our
learning. Upon leaving the room we notice that our friend/guide is
standing next to another door that leads to another room of
learning. In facing our fear we learn and grow.
Another positive that comes from facing our fear is the risky
action builds our positive self-esteem. We are saying that we are
capable and strong enough to face what we fear and also that we
deserve to change and grow.
A simple example of facing our fear is being afraid of public
speaking. We can face that fear by taking a class that teaches us
how to speak to groups of people we don’t know.
2) ANOTHER FRIEND - PAIN
Rather than perceive pain as something bad and to be avoided, it
is important to realize that pain is just a helpful signal trying to get
our attention. Our friend is signaling that there is something wrong
that needs to be fixed. The signal starts small and grows larger
and more intense as it is not paid attention to. Fixing something
when it is smaller is easier and healthier. An example is not
paying attention to a small pain in our foot caused by ill-fitting
shoes. We override the signal by ignoring it or by taking
ibuprofen. The signal gets louder when we develop a knee or hip
problem that then moves to the back and immobilizes us. I have
used a physical example but the same dynamic exists for
emotional pain. A friend makes a remark that is hurtful and then
ignored but still kept inside, creating a seed of resentment. The
seed grows each time the hurt is not paid attention to and can
eventually grow to a point of destroying the relationship.
3) POSITIVE/NEGATIVE SPIRALS
Spirals are about the energy of momentum. As momentum
builds, it gets harder and harder to stop because of chain
reactions. Imagine an avalanche and how it builds momentum. At
first, a clump of snow breaks loose and as it rolls downhill it hits
other clumps that hit others. Each hit builds more power and
force. We are ALWAYS in emotional spirals, either positive or
negative. The spiral starts in a shallow angle and gets steeper as
it builds momentum. The importance of this information is to
increase our consciousness/awareness of the dynamic because
we can then take action to stop and change the negative spiral or
to feed the positive. It is important to realize how spirals impact
our perceptions (refer to chapter 2 – Distorted Glasses).
Affecting the negative spiral is more challenging because it
activates our wounded child and issues of low self-esteem. In a
negative spiral everything is perceived in a dark, scary, and
depressing way. In a positive spiral everything seems lighter,
safer and more enjoyable. We feel and project this positive
energy that then has a powerful, positive impact on our world and
feeds the momentum for even better things to happen. When we
project positive energy we will generally receive positive energy
back.
4) THE SECRET – SIMPLE IS NOT EASY
In my opinion, the secret to having a joyful, contented life is
simple. BE FULLY PRESENT AND EXPERIENCE EACH AND
EVERY MOMENT, FOR EACH MOMENT IS EVER CHANGING
AND DIFFERENT. If you can apply this secret you will be fully
alive and be able to access life as the wonderful, beautiful,
amazing experience that it is. The importance of the process of
growing and learning about ourself is to remove/transform the
blocks that keep us from applying this secret. This process can
be tremendously difficult and painful.
5) VEHICLES
Look along the finger to find the beautiful full moon. Once you find
the moon stop looking at the finger. Any personal process work
(Zen, therapy, mind body integration, 12-step, The Forum, etc.), is
simply fingers pointing at the moon. These fingers are vehicles to
help us find the beautiful moon that represents being fully joyful
and present in every moment. When the moon is found the finger
is no longer important – stop looking at it.
6) WALKING THE TALK
An experience with my client Y is a very good illustration of this
concept. She has studied and is very knowledgeable of the
process of Zen and the concepts of being fully present and in the
moment. Just prior to our appointment she got an expensive
parking ticket and was very upset and triggered. She was beating
herself up for not being good enough (if she was more present,
more intelligent, more lucky, etc. – she would have not gotten the
ticket) and was very angry at the city because she felt the reason
for the ticket was not valid. She was not present and when asked
to apply what she had learned in her study of Zen to her present
situation, she could not do it. The talk is about understanding and
the walk is about “getting it” and applying the understanding
7) VERTICAL AND HORIZONTAL SYSTEMS
The vertical system is about trying to prove/gain self worth by
performing. Some examples of performing are competitive
athletics, making money, becoming more attractive and attaining
higher levels of position or power in any setting. This vertical
system is usually learned from parents that use the same system.
This system can produce high achievement, mainly because the
drive to succeed is very compulsive and intense. As an example,
playing tennis is not a game but about trying to prove worth and
achieve their parent’s love. When there is success it is short-lived
and unsatisfying because of:
1) A feeling that they should have done even better.
2) A deep awareness that something is missing because they still
feel unworthy. Because of low self-esteem, successes are
minimized and defeats are exaggerated. The image I like using to
describe this is looking through a telescope from the large lens to
the smaller one at successes and the opposite direction at
defeats.
3) An awareness that after any achievement that the bar just goes
up higher. Eventually when failure is experienced because the bar
is too high, there will be frustration and anger that can then lead to
depression.
The sword cuts both ways: in trying to prove worth by
achievement the opposite is then going to be proved by failure.
As discussed in Chapter Six, the energy expended in this
compulsive life plan serves as a distraction from the ultimate pain
of feeling unloved. I believe that it is not possible to prove worth
by achievement, I have never seen it. The millionaire needs to be
a billionaire, number ten needs to be number one, and number one
needs to stay there. Look, there is your father who taught you that
you needed to prove your worth by running and winning the race,
he has been running a lot longer and has still not crossed the finish
line. A sense of worth must come from within.
A VERTICAL SYSTEM – Imagine hanging onto a vertical pole
and there are others hanging on the same pole, above and below
you. Those above you are better and worth more and those
below are worth less than you. You need to hold onto the pole
and to keep trying to get higher, for to stay in place is to fall
behind. This life plan creates an environment of pressure and
stress because everything is perceived as being competitive.
A HORIZONTAL SYSTEM – Imagine sitting on a horizontal pole
that is resting flat on the ground and there are others sitting on
either side of you. It takes no effort to sit on the pole and there is
no pressure or stress because there is nowhere to go, nothing to
prove. We are all equally worthy and deserve to live our lives fully
and in joy.
NEXT
For many, fear is something to be avoided. We give fear a bad
name. I believe it is important to see fear differently and rather
than see it as something to be afraid of, is actually like a loyal
friend that is trying to guide us toward what we need to learn.
Imagine our friend, the guide standing next to a door and
beckoning us to enter a room that we are afraid of. We can go
away from that room and not come back for years and our
friend/guide will still be patiently waiting and directing us to our
learning. Upon leaving the room we notice that our friend/guide is
standing next to another door that leads to another room of
learning. In facing our fear we learn and grow.
Another positive that comes from facing our fear is the risky
action builds our positive self-esteem. We are saying that we are
capable and strong enough to face what we fear and also that we
deserve to change and grow.
A simple example of facing our fear is being afraid of public
speaking. We can face that fear by taking a class that teaches us
how to speak to groups of people we don’t know.
2) ANOTHER FRIEND - PAIN
Rather than perceive pain as something bad and to be avoided, it
is important to realize that pain is just a helpful signal trying to get
our attention. Our friend is signaling that there is something wrong
that needs to be fixed. The signal starts small and grows larger
and more intense as it is not paid attention to. Fixing something
when it is smaller is easier and healthier. An example is not
paying attention to a small pain in our foot caused by ill-fitting
shoes. We override the signal by ignoring it or by taking
ibuprofen. The signal gets louder when we develop a knee or hip
problem that then moves to the back and immobilizes us. I have
used a physical example but the same dynamic exists for
emotional pain. A friend makes a remark that is hurtful and then
ignored but still kept inside, creating a seed of resentment. The
seed grows each time the hurt is not paid attention to and can
eventually grow to a point of destroying the relationship.
3) POSITIVE/NEGATIVE SPIRALS
Spirals are about the energy of momentum. As momentum
builds, it gets harder and harder to stop because of chain
reactions. Imagine an avalanche and how it builds momentum. At
first, a clump of snow breaks loose and as it rolls downhill it hits
other clumps that hit others. Each hit builds more power and
force. We are ALWAYS in emotional spirals, either positive or
negative. The spiral starts in a shallow angle and gets steeper as
it builds momentum. The importance of this information is to
increase our consciousness/awareness of the dynamic because
we can then take action to stop and change the negative spiral or
to feed the positive. It is important to realize how spirals impact
our perceptions (refer to chapter 2 – Distorted Glasses).
Affecting the negative spiral is more challenging because it
activates our wounded child and issues of low self-esteem. In a
negative spiral everything is perceived in a dark, scary, and
depressing way. In a positive spiral everything seems lighter,
safer and more enjoyable. We feel and project this positive
energy that then has a powerful, positive impact on our world and
feeds the momentum for even better things to happen. When we
project positive energy we will generally receive positive energy
back.
4) THE SECRET – SIMPLE IS NOT EASY
In my opinion, the secret to having a joyful, contented life is
simple. BE FULLY PRESENT AND EXPERIENCE EACH AND
EVERY MOMENT, FOR EACH MOMENT IS EVER CHANGING
AND DIFFERENT. If you can apply this secret you will be fully
alive and be able to access life as the wonderful, beautiful,
amazing experience that it is. The importance of the process of
growing and learning about ourself is to remove/transform the
blocks that keep us from applying this secret. This process can
be tremendously difficult and painful.
5) VEHICLES
Look along the finger to find the beautiful full moon. Once you find
the moon stop looking at the finger. Any personal process work
(Zen, therapy, mind body integration, 12-step, The Forum, etc.), is
simply fingers pointing at the moon. These fingers are vehicles to
help us find the beautiful moon that represents being fully joyful
and present in every moment. When the moon is found the finger
is no longer important – stop looking at it.
6) WALKING THE TALK
An experience with my client Y is a very good illustration of this
concept. She has studied and is very knowledgeable of the
process of Zen and the concepts of being fully present and in the
moment. Just prior to our appointment she got an expensive
parking ticket and was very upset and triggered. She was beating
herself up for not being good enough (if she was more present,
more intelligent, more lucky, etc. – she would have not gotten the
ticket) and was very angry at the city because she felt the reason
for the ticket was not valid. She was not present and when asked
to apply what she had learned in her study of Zen to her present
situation, she could not do it. The talk is about understanding and
the walk is about “getting it” and applying the understanding
7) VERTICAL AND HORIZONTAL SYSTEMS
The vertical system is about trying to prove/gain self worth by
performing. Some examples of performing are competitive
athletics, making money, becoming more attractive and attaining
higher levels of position or power in any setting. This vertical
system is usually learned from parents that use the same system.
This system can produce high achievement, mainly because the
drive to succeed is very compulsive and intense. As an example,
playing tennis is not a game but about trying to prove worth and
achieve their parent’s love. When there is success it is short-lived
and unsatisfying because of:
1) A feeling that they should have done even better.
2) A deep awareness that something is missing because they still
feel unworthy. Because of low self-esteem, successes are
minimized and defeats are exaggerated. The image I like using to
describe this is looking through a telescope from the large lens to
the smaller one at successes and the opposite direction at
defeats.
3) An awareness that after any achievement that the bar just goes
up higher. Eventually when failure is experienced because the bar
is too high, there will be frustration and anger that can then lead to
depression.
The sword cuts both ways: in trying to prove worth by
achievement the opposite is then going to be proved by failure.
As discussed in Chapter Six, the energy expended in this
compulsive life plan serves as a distraction from the ultimate pain
of feeling unloved. I believe that it is not possible to prove worth
by achievement, I have never seen it. The millionaire needs to be
a billionaire, number ten needs to be number one, and number one
needs to stay there. Look, there is your father who taught you that
you needed to prove your worth by running and winning the race,
he has been running a lot longer and has still not crossed the finish
line. A sense of worth must come from within.
A VERTICAL SYSTEM – Imagine hanging onto a vertical pole
and there are others hanging on the same pole, above and below
you. Those above you are better and worth more and those
below are worth less than you. You need to hold onto the pole
and to keep trying to get higher, for to stay in place is to fall
behind. This life plan creates an environment of pressure and
stress because everything is perceived as being competitive.
A HORIZONTAL SYSTEM – Imagine sitting on a horizontal pole
that is resting flat on the ground and there are others sitting on
either side of you. It takes no effort to sit on the pole and there is
no pressure or stress because there is nowhere to go, nothing to
prove. We are all equally worthy and deserve to live our lives fully
and in joy.
NEXT
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