TRANSITIONS/TRANSFORMATION – THE HARDEST PLACE
The process of changing an old dysfunctional pattern to a new,
healthier one is a very difficult, frustrating, and painful experience but
necessary to heal and to be able to access our joy. Old,
dysfunctional patterns are often part of the perceptions we formed
as a child. As an adult who understands that we have outgrown an
old pattern, we must create a new plan that matches our adult
perceptions. Once recognized, the old pattern is a hard place to
be. The proverbial “stuck between a rock and a hard place” with no
place to break free. The pattern is energy sapping and despairing
because it feels like it will last forever. Especially if our past efforts
to change feel ineffective and useless. The new pattern is at first
energizing because we get some sense of direction and hope. But
in order to get to the new place it is necessary to go through a
transitional space that is very challenging and difficult as well. The
energy of the old place is dark, dead, heavy and immobilizing
whereas the transition space is hot, chaotic, and very alive. The old
place is like being in a freezer and the new place feels like being in a
boiling cauldron.
TRANSITION - WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT TO CHANGE?
1) We are changing an old pattern created in childhood that served
the child and continues to function in our adult. This pattern gave the
child a way to cope with the intense pain that came from a
perception of feeling unlovable because of intrinsic unworthiness or
defect. The child unconsciously creates a pattern/plan to escape the
unbearable pain they are feeling. Some examples of how this plan
can manifest are becoming numb by disconnecting
emotionally/energetically or the opposite manifestation, which is
acting out in angry tantrums. Another is to try and prove worth by
performance (getting strokes for doing well in school, athletics, etc.)
or by function (becoming the jester, or problem child to distract from
the family pain).
2) We are letting go of the old pattern that served the child but is no
longer appropriate or healthy for the adult. The pain that was
unbearable for the child can now be felt by the adult. The adult has
more tools to heal and survive and the ability to create a new,
healthier pattern. These tools are the power and resources to
survive, experience and knowledge. The benefits of the new pattern
have not completely manifested yet and when they do will help
speed the transition.
The transition place experienced by the adult is actually the original
place of pain that the child experienced. The plan the child created
to cope came as a result of that pain. When in the transition place
the adult has the choice to go back to the child’s plan or to move
forward and create a new, healthier plan of life. Numbing the pain is
attractive but it is difficult to do because of the new awareness of
the desire to have a different more joyful life. We get pulled in two
different directions and being stuck is a hard place to be.
When the transition starts to slow or we experience resistances to
change it stimulate the issue of low self- esteem. The issue is the
mistaken belief that we are not capable or strong enough to make
the transition.
3) In order to change the old pattern it is necessary to understand
it. Accepting and reconciling how much this pattern impacted our
lives is very difficult because it leads to grief and sadness not only
for what was but an awareness of how it could have been different.
An interesting question – who would we be today if as children we
received healthy attention and understanding rather than neglect?;
support and mentoring rather than constant criticism?; love and
nurturance rather than abuse?
4) We are afraid of the consequences of our changes. How will
people judge or treat us if we are not a workaholic, compulsive
caretaker or the person always in crisis needing help? (Interesting
to note that people in your environment might not wholly like or
support your changes, which makes those changes more difficult.
Think about how the examples serve those people.)
5) The benefits that come from the healthier, new pattern have not
completely manifested and because they are new might not feel right
or comfortable.
HOW CAN WE SPEED OUR TRANSITION?
1) It is very important to keep focus on the larger perspective that
changing the old habitual, dysfunctional pattern is a process and a
step toward the more joyful life we want. What we are experiencing
at the moment is a temporary, transitional place and that we will get
stronger and better. The larger perspective is a reflection of adult
awareness and the feeling of paralysis is the child’s.
2) Action or movement is important because it counters the feeling
of paralysis or being stuck that comes with the fear of change.
(Refer to bigger bites – positive or negative spirals.) Change your
environment by going for a walk, call a friend, do one positive thing
for yourself that feels good even if it is a small thing.
3) Connect with people that are supportive and nurturing and are
willing and capable of being with you in your process.
The process of changing an old dysfunctional pattern to a new,
healthier one is a very difficult, frustrating, and painful experience but
necessary to heal and to be able to access our joy. Old,
dysfunctional patterns are often part of the perceptions we formed
as a child. As an adult who understands that we have outgrown an
old pattern, we must create a new plan that matches our adult
perceptions. Once recognized, the old pattern is a hard place to
be. The proverbial “stuck between a rock and a hard place” with no
place to break free. The pattern is energy sapping and despairing
because it feels like it will last forever. Especially if our past efforts
to change feel ineffective and useless. The new pattern is at first
energizing because we get some sense of direction and hope. But
in order to get to the new place it is necessary to go through a
transitional space that is very challenging and difficult as well. The
energy of the old place is dark, dead, heavy and immobilizing
whereas the transition space is hot, chaotic, and very alive. The old
place is like being in a freezer and the new place feels like being in a
boiling cauldron.
TRANSITION - WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT TO CHANGE?
1) We are changing an old pattern created in childhood that served
the child and continues to function in our adult. This pattern gave the
child a way to cope with the intense pain that came from a
perception of feeling unlovable because of intrinsic unworthiness or
defect. The child unconsciously creates a pattern/plan to escape the
unbearable pain they are feeling. Some examples of how this plan
can manifest are becoming numb by disconnecting
emotionally/energetically or the opposite manifestation, which is
acting out in angry tantrums. Another is to try and prove worth by
performance (getting strokes for doing well in school, athletics, etc.)
or by function (becoming the jester, or problem child to distract from
the family pain).
2) We are letting go of the old pattern that served the child but is no
longer appropriate or healthy for the adult. The pain that was
unbearable for the child can now be felt by the adult. The adult has
more tools to heal and survive and the ability to create a new,
healthier pattern. These tools are the power and resources to
survive, experience and knowledge. The benefits of the new pattern
have not completely manifested yet and when they do will help
speed the transition.
The transition place experienced by the adult is actually the original
place of pain that the child experienced. The plan the child created
to cope came as a result of that pain. When in the transition place
the adult has the choice to go back to the child’s plan or to move
forward and create a new, healthier plan of life. Numbing the pain is
attractive but it is difficult to do because of the new awareness of
the desire to have a different more joyful life. We get pulled in two
different directions and being stuck is a hard place to be.
When the transition starts to slow or we experience resistances to
change it stimulate the issue of low self- esteem. The issue is the
mistaken belief that we are not capable or strong enough to make
the transition.
3) In order to change the old pattern it is necessary to understand
it. Accepting and reconciling how much this pattern impacted our
lives is very difficult because it leads to grief and sadness not only
for what was but an awareness of how it could have been different.
An interesting question – who would we be today if as children we
received healthy attention and understanding rather than neglect?;
support and mentoring rather than constant criticism?; love and
nurturance rather than abuse?
4) We are afraid of the consequences of our changes. How will
people judge or treat us if we are not a workaholic, compulsive
caretaker or the person always in crisis needing help? (Interesting
to note that people in your environment might not wholly like or
support your changes, which makes those changes more difficult.
Think about how the examples serve those people.)
5) The benefits that come from the healthier, new pattern have not
completely manifested and because they are new might not feel right
or comfortable.
HOW CAN WE SPEED OUR TRANSITION?
1) It is very important to keep focus on the larger perspective that
changing the old habitual, dysfunctional pattern is a process and a
step toward the more joyful life we want. What we are experiencing
at the moment is a temporary, transitional place and that we will get
stronger and better. The larger perspective is a reflection of adult
awareness and the feeling of paralysis is the child’s.
2) Action or movement is important because it counters the feeling
of paralysis or being stuck that comes with the fear of change.
(Refer to bigger bites – positive or negative spirals.) Change your
environment by going for a walk, call a friend, do one positive thing
for yourself that feels good even if it is a small thing.
3) Connect with people that are supportive and nurturing and are
willing and capable of being with you in your process.
CHAPTER 4
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